On Second Thoughts
by Jenny08
Summary: Pirates of the Caribbean and Monty Python crossovers
1. On Second Thoughts

Disclaimer: I don't own Pirates of the Caribbean, Disney does. I also don't own Monty Python and the Holy Grail, someone else does. And forgive me for my lack of knowing what anything is. (I'm making it up. I have no idea what's going on.)  
  
* * *  
  
The Guardian, a great ship of the British Navy, was making its way through the warm water of the Caribbean. The Guardian was out looking for pirates after they received an anonymous tip where a large group of pirates would be. Commodore Norrington is compelled to destroy the town of Tortuga.  
  
"Commodore!" Gillette shouted and handed the telescope to his superior.  
  
* * *  
In Tortuga pirates are singing, drinking rum, chasing women, fighting, drinking rum, shooting, dunking people in wells, fighting, drinking rum, and being totally disgusting. It is not a place dear Norrington would like to be.  
"On second thoughts let's not go to Tortuga, 'tis a silly place," he concluded.  
"Quite right," Gillette agreed. 


	2. Jack and Ben in Prison

Disclaimer: I own neither Pirates, nor Pythons.  
  
Captain Jack Sparrow is sits in prison, all the others waiting to be hanged had escaped when the cannonball smashed through the wall. If only it had been slightly to the right.. An officer is knocked down the stairs and then comes Twigg and Koehler.  
"This ain't the armory," Twigg says after looking around.  
"Well, well, well, look what we have here, Twigg: Captain Jack Sparrow," Koehler says after seeing Jack imprisoned.  
Twigg spits at Jack and says, "Last time I saw you, you were all alone on a godforsaken island, shrinking into the distance. His fortunes aren't improved much."  
"Worry about your own fortunes, gentlemen. The deepest circle of Hell is reserved for betrayers and mutineers," Jack says and is then grabbed by Koehler and Jack sees his skeleton arm. "So there is a curse. That's interesting."  
"You know nothing of Hell," Koehler says before he and Twigg leave.  
"That's very interesting."  
"You lucky bastard," says a voice.  
"Who's that?" Jack calls out.  
"You lucky, lucky bastard," the voice says again. Jack looks over to a cell across the room and sees an old man hanging on the wall from his hands.  
"What?" Jack asks.  
"Proper little pirate's pet, aren't we?"  
"What do you mean?"  
"You must have slipped him a few shillings, eh?"  
"Slipped him a few shillings! You saw him spit in my face!" Jack is getting annoyed.  
"Oh, what I wouldn't give to be spat at in the face! I sometimes hang awake at night dreaming of being spat at in the face!"  
"Well, it's not exactly friendly, is it? They marooned my on an island!"  
"Marooned! Oooh, ooh, oh, oh," the man mocks. "My idea of heaven is to be marooned on an island.just for a few hours. They must think the sun shines out of your arse, matey.  
"Oh, lay off me. I've had a hard time!" Jack says to the old git.  
"You've had a hard time?! I've been here for five years! They only hung me the right way up yesterday! So don't you come around-"  
"All right. All right," Jack says.  
"They must think you're Lord God Almighty."  
"What will they do to me?" Jack asks the strange man since he has been here for so long (and also since he's the only person in the room).  
"Oh, you'll probably get away with hanging."  
"Hanging?!"  
"Aye, first offence," the man confirms.  
"Get away with being hanged!? It's-"  
"The best thing the England ever did for us," said the strange man.  
"What?" Jack was very confused now. And before the man could say anything else, Will Turner ran in to seek Jack's help. 


	3. Jack and the Spanish Inquisition

Disclaimer: I own nothing.  
  
In case you didn't know, the last chapter was from Monty Python's Life of Brian.  
  
* * *  
  
We heard in The Curse of the Black Pearl that Jack once impersonated an officer of the Spanish Royal Navy. It was all a great laugh until he was caught and imprisoned. Here's what happened:  
  
Jack was taken into a jail cell to await court for merely having a little fun and trying to stay alive. 'That's not much of a crime, is it?' Jack thought.  
A few minutes after the officers left, three different men came in. All were wearing bright red and had crosses around their necks. This could only mean these men were.  
"The Spanish Inquisition!" Jack yelled, surprised.  
"Nobody expects-oh, you bugger!" the lead man, Cardinal Ximinez said. "You ruined our entrance! We'll come in again. And act surprised." So the three men left. Jack tried to look more surprised than amused as they came back in.  
"Nobody expects the Spanish Inquisition!" Ximinez yelled. "Our chief weapon is surprise. Surprise and fear. Fear and surprise. Our two weapons are fear and surprise. And ruthless efficiency. Our three weapons are fear, surprise, and ruthless efficiency. And a fanatical devotion to the Pope. Our four weapons.amongst our weaponry are such elements as fear, surprise, and these nice red uniforms.I'll come in again." So they left.  
And they came in again. "Nobody expects the Spanish Inquisition! Amongst our weaponry are elements such as fear, surprise, ruthless efficiency, and an almost fanatical devotion to the Pope!" After this, he silenced by as smack in the back of the head by one of his two companions. "Right then. Cardinal Fang! Read the charges."  
Cardinal Fang clears his throat. "You are hereby charged that you: did heresy against the Holy Church, engaged in piracy, and are overall a very naughty man."  
"How do you plead?" asked the other man, Cardinal Biggles.  
"I'm completely innocent," Jack lied.  
"Ha ha ha! Ha ha ha ha!" Ximinez laughed diabolically. "Cardinal Fang! Fetch.The Comfy Chair!"  
"The.C-C-Comfy Chair?" Fang is terrified. Biggles pushes in a big comfy chair and shoves Jack in it.  
"You will stay in the Comfy Chair until lunch time, with only a cup of tea at eleven," Ximinez sneered.  
"Only a cup of tea?" Jack asked.  
"Correct."  
"No rum?"  
"Right." Jack frowned at this.  
"Is that all it is?" Ximinez asked Biggles.  
"Yes, lord."  
"I see. Well, I suppose it couldn't hurt if we shouted a lot, would it? Confess! Confess! Confess! Confess!" he shouted.  
"I confess!" Biggles caved.  
"Not you!" Ximinez shouted at the cardinal.  
So Jack sat in that comfy chair until lunch. He skipped the tea at eleven. And after being "tortured" until dusk by the Spanish Inquisition, he was left alone and the cardinals promised to return the next day. The "torture" was quite annoying. 'The Comfy Chair? The Soft Cushions? What kind of loonies were these Spaniards? That Biggles is definately a eunuch.' he thought. During the night he found a piece of metal in his boot (found while searching his pockets for anything edible), picked the lock, and was on his way back to the ocean.  
  
* * *  
  
Short, I know. You realize I could write MP/PotC forever? I'll have to watch more Monty to get more ideas.  
  
LunarianPrincess: Thanks! I was thinking about the Black Knight bit and the Killer Bunny bit! I'll do some more Holy Grail after this. I'm just writing them in the order they come to my head.  
  
Meitantei Kudo KID: I've not yet seen the parrot sketch. I only know what people have told me about it. "The parrot has ceased to be!" 


End file.
